I have tried hard to avoid adding to the general buzz surrounding the “Tiger Mother”. I resolved to stay out of the fray. Really I did. But, a convergence of discussions with reading a review of the book has pushed me into adding my thoughts to the collective. I’ll be brief.
Twice this week I have had conversations about girls feeling the pressure of attempting to be “perfect”. One girl was in tears telling me that she was trying hard in all she does (arts, sports, school) to literally be perfect. The pressure had brought her in to see me. The mother of another talked with relief about how her junior high aged girl was moving away from a friend who on the surface seemed so very “together” that her child had been feeling the strain of trying to keep up.
I had heard of the Tiger Mom; she sounded quite awful when I listened to the general hub bub. Then one day earlier this week I found myself stuck in a waiting room reading a review of her book in Time magazine. A review that was surprising. I tend to try to look at life from all sides and enjoyed finding through this review that perhaps the feline had some good ideas for raising children after all. Do I agree with them all? Well no, of course not. However, she has some powerful theories about the value of hard work and repetitive practice. I went home that evening and announced to my kiddos that from now on they were going to practice their instruments longer. Everyday. No more nice mom.
However what is clear to me about her child raising technique is that it is fraught with danger. The danger that comes when a child is held up to perfection as the yardstick by which they are being judged and by which they judge themselves. So the question becomes how to find the balance. How to push our children to work hard, really hard so that they become the best versions of themselves they can be, while also teaching them of unconditional love. For with this love comes an innate self-confidence and strength that will allow them to use their hard-won skills in creative and meaningful ways.
Perhaps we explain to them that perfection is not obtainable. It is defined individually and changes with the viewer’s perspective. That it does not actually exist. Nor would it be desirable if it were found. Our children need to accept that life is messy and people are complex. The friend who seems so together, so perfect, may have hidden flaws. The people we most enjoy being with, those that most fill us with joy, are often those that are flawed. Take one of my dearest friends. She is great looking, can make any item of clothing look like haute couture, is kind as the day is long, a great athlete and, a bit of a slob. Yes, a slob. But, we all love that about her. It makes it easier to be with her. Her house is great to be in – enter there and immediately relax for, while there you know what really matters the most to her: your friendship.
Our challenge as parents is to endorse maximum effort and to teach the embrace of the diverse, unexpected and messier parts of living life. How do we proceed? Perhaps by opening this dialog with our kids. Ask if perfection is a goal? Is “perfect” possible? At what cost? Let me know what you learn.